am trying to understand myself right since the time i have been preparing for my mba entrances. i have succeeded a way bit, but i am still far far away...it is a difficult proposition but i know life will be too difficult if i leave this job incomplete. i am a mystery to myself, i dont know why i am like this. i dream to achieve so many things in life and become a person of so and so stature in the near future but this untread path seems to be one kind of an obstacle. rather than the path i would say that i lack the enthusiasm to turn my thoughts into action. something is missing somewhere. there is some vacuum that i need to fill up. maybe i need to become more lively and enthusiastic. or maybe i need to change this laidback attitude of mine and become more proactive so that i become what i want to in my life, and it is filled with less of frustrations and more of contentment & happiness.

i lack something in me..that i am sure...i am not able to pin it down..that is why i am blogging, maybe this will bring it into open. those memories or what i would rather call nightmares are again back to unsettle me. i guess i can handle them now except for that mri scan which i dont want it to repeat again in my life. i have been feeling a bit lonely and lost these days, i have some clue as to why it is happening. lonely because i left mdy group and rather chose to stay in a different hostel this time to concentrate on my mba, or maybe because, one year has passed and i am still not gelled well with the group. and am a bit lost that at this crucial stage in my life as i dont have a person whom i can share my intimacies and on whom i can lean on for moral support. reiki has come to occupy the centre stage primarily due to these reasons or maybe due to the hopeless situation i am in. i wont call it a hopeless situation rather i would say that i am in such a demanding position that i have to roll up my sleeves and work on my deliverables.

again i am getting the same question into my mind. why am i like this?...why cant i be like others at the same time. why am i so naive...why am i so reticent...why are my interpersonal skills so poor...why cant i be a better communicator..why cant i be proactive like the people around me....why cant i do a better time management....why am i so choosy in making friends...why am i so moody....why do i feel that i have no knowledge to share with others when i know so much abt so many things in this world....why do i think less and sometimes dont think at all....why do i take things at face value and my mind never gets provoked....lots more questions but not in this entry...i will allow myself to think and ponder over things. that is the issue i guess, i think lesser and lesser these days, i take things as they are at face value and never think beyond them. maybe that is why my class participation is so poor. and maybe that is one reason that i am considered a introvert by people around me. but the reality lies in the fact that i want to change for the better. that is good in one way if it is followed up with concrete action. nonetheless i am enjoying life that is the truth, inspite of all those nightmares, all these hellish scenarios of my health, i am living life in the best way possible.

there were days when i was so high in confidence that i could do almost anything, those were the times when i used to dream of getting into IIM one day and prepare for it full throat. in a way the enthu i showed really surprised many and the pains i took to succeed in CAT during my initial attempts was really a commendable show. will i ever be the old vikram in the sense that will i ever get these character traits back???