weak hearted i am...
it has been three months since i last blogged..life has been cruel on me or rather i was subjected to toughest times hopefully which makes me a tougher person...pata nahi....it all happened one after the another i dunno why...but i get this wierdest feeling that this was not part of my fate.... first came the depression bout which lasted for around 10 days....then a girl came into my life...but she was an illusion..... fir the stomach pain started and held on tenaciously for 15 days, and i gave up and got myself admitted to a hospital. thank god my mother was there beside me or else i would have broken down emotionally. then back from the hospital to the hostel, supposedly on rest. the pain got worse and i had to rush to chennai for the surgery, everything was fine till one hour before surgery. i thought this would end with very little bit of pain and panic relative to my mri scan experiences. but the minute i was taken into operation theatre i started getting the pangs...first my hands were belted and the sophisticated medical equipment around me made me feel like i should have been made unconscious before itself. i tried to keep my cool and 10 minutes i tried hard to sleep but cudnt. even the sedative was not having its effect. then the most frightening moment came when doctor tried to plug the oxygen mask onto my face for anesthesia, i objected and asked the doctor to make me unconscious first, the doc agreed. and then after that 3 hours of sound sleep and when i woke up it was all over and i was taken back to my bed. i thought the worst was over and then slept off and on for 2 hours.
then the pain...wen i woke up body was paining top to bottom, was immobile...cudnt move my body except for turning my head from right to left....thankfully doc took pity on me and gave me a sedative...i cudnt even utter a word..speechless for 36 hours..so much was the body pain....the next day i cried for the whole day....ironically not a single tear came out coz it had been two days since i last had anything..:).....i cudnt bear all this...being rendered immobile for 36 hours was like asking bit of too much from me...and to top it all...the pain was so much. The nurses werent so pretty and sweet as they were in calicut. and the boy who had been operated alongwith me on that day had started walking. recuperation was slow, it took 10 days to walk normally without limping.
But the scars still remain, i mean the after surgery complications. the stomach has been paining intermittently and headache has never really stopped. once i was in calicut my headaches started getting worse and for the past 15 days i have been fighting it out with all kinds of tablets and capsules. all the more this surgery made me feel more home sick and i have decided that i am going to try my best to get a chennai job.
health worries apart, life hasnt been so rosy...maybe this is my perception or rather my attitude problem. Fifth term was one big disaster for me, nothing went my way. i hate it...time and again i am reminded that i have too much expectations from myself which are nowhere near my track record. ofcourse shasun and cat were two coups which i will envy for the rest of my life if i am not able to repeat it elsewhere. even eserve was a great learning experience except for the work conditions which i would call a dignified form of slavery of the capitalist americans.
where am i headed??...i have no clue. past eighteen months have broken the confidence in me. i cant help it. that happens when you are a product of typical middle class upbringing. but now that i belong to a totally different category i need to adapt to it the sooner the better. coz i need some fodder for my dreams. :)
it has been three months since i last blogged..life has been cruel on me or rather i was subjected to toughest times hopefully which makes me a tougher person...pata nahi....it all happened one after the another i dunno why...but i get this wierdest feeling that this was not part of my fate.... first came the depression bout which lasted for around 10 days....then a girl came into my life...but she was an illusion..... fir the stomach pain started and held on tenaciously for 15 days, and i gave up and got myself admitted to a hospital. thank god my mother was there beside me or else i would have broken down emotionally. then back from the hospital to the hostel, supposedly on rest. the pain got worse and i had to rush to chennai for the surgery, everything was fine till one hour before surgery. i thought this would end with very little bit of pain and panic relative to my mri scan experiences. but the minute i was taken into operation theatre i started getting the pangs...first my hands were belted and the sophisticated medical equipment around me made me feel like i should have been made unconscious before itself. i tried to keep my cool and 10 minutes i tried hard to sleep but cudnt. even the sedative was not having its effect. then the most frightening moment came when doctor tried to plug the oxygen mask onto my face for anesthesia, i objected and asked the doctor to make me unconscious first, the doc agreed. and then after that 3 hours of sound sleep and when i woke up it was all over and i was taken back to my bed. i thought the worst was over and then slept off and on for 2 hours.
then the pain...wen i woke up body was paining top to bottom, was immobile...cudnt move my body except for turning my head from right to left....thankfully doc took pity on me and gave me a sedative...i cudnt even utter a word..speechless for 36 hours..so much was the body pain....the next day i cried for the whole day....ironically not a single tear came out coz it had been two days since i last had anything..:).....i cudnt bear all this...being rendered immobile for 36 hours was like asking bit of too much from me...and to top it all...the pain was so much. The nurses werent so pretty and sweet as they were in calicut. and the boy who had been operated alongwith me on that day had started walking. recuperation was slow, it took 10 days to walk normally without limping.
But the scars still remain, i mean the after surgery complications. the stomach has been paining intermittently and headache has never really stopped. once i was in calicut my headaches started getting worse and for the past 15 days i have been fighting it out with all kinds of tablets and capsules. all the more this surgery made me feel more home sick and i have decided that i am going to try my best to get a chennai job.
health worries apart, life hasnt been so rosy...maybe this is my perception or rather my attitude problem. Fifth term was one big disaster for me, nothing went my way. i hate it...time and again i am reminded that i have too much expectations from myself which are nowhere near my track record. ofcourse shasun and cat were two coups which i will envy for the rest of my life if i am not able to repeat it elsewhere. even eserve was a great learning experience except for the work conditions which i would call a dignified form of slavery of the capitalist americans.
where am i headed??...i have no clue. past eighteen months have broken the confidence in me. i cant help it. that happens when you are a product of typical middle class upbringing. but now that i belong to a totally different category i need to adapt to it the sooner the better. coz i need some fodder for my dreams. :)
posted by Vikram Jain at 2:07 PM
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