and then she said "leave me alone"

some things happened in the recent days which will leave a indelible mark on my life. a mark of being rejected and a mark of not being able to fulfil a dream imagined off and on in the past 8 years, a teenage fetish which shud have brought to an end during my teenage days itself. maybe this wouldnt have been the case, had i handled this whole thing with better discretion, i botched it up. this scar is going to haunt me forever, and i want to run away from all this. i hope i forget her very soon. life is like that.....but i learnt it the harder way, dont ever dream things on which you have no control......but i ask god...has friendship become too scarce a thing.....

but i know that life will give me a second chance....a chance to forget all this and become my old self very soon.....:)

thought i will today recount a amusing tale of a boy....

Lets rewind this story 8 years back…there was this boy who lived in a locality in chennai. Unlike other boys this boy was shy in nature and was more of a introvert person to the extent that he would always be 10 feet away from the girls. But like his agemates this boy also used to see a lot of girls both in his school and ofcourse in his community. But shy he was that he never approached them so had no chance to make any girlfriends. And then this girl came into his life. It happened one evening, the girl was coming back from the school and this boy had gone to post a letter…they crossed each other and their eyes met…for seconds and when they parted he was completely bowled over. Thus he had the first crush of his life and . For the next 3 days he could not sleep properly. He wanted to talk to her. But he was a coward, he cared too much of his self image if the girl said no to his friendship and ofcourse he was shy and . so the boy thought he will forget his first crush over time but that doesn’t seem to happen. Unfortunately or fortunately he gets to see her many times in the next 6 months, so this goes on and a soft corner builds in his heart for her. So after around a year or so the boy finally musters enuf courage to ask her wat he called “friendship”. He prepares for days and days together on how to handle that defining moment in his life.

Good going till now….so the boy prepares meticulously leavin no stone unturned. And the d day comes… ….and guess what.. just when he is one step away from getting a chance to communicate with her he develops cold feet...he senses that he would not be able to bear it if she says no or she rejects her. From nowhere he gets this complex that the girl doesn’t like him….so he endlessly debates for another 1 year or so at the end of which he comes to a safe yet emotionally painful conclusion that the girl doesn’t like him…so here he is again submitting himself to what he calls fate…years and years went. The boy forgot the girl and the girl, only god knows if she ever had feelings for him…out from the school into the college and then out of the college.

Out from college, the boy undergoes a subtle transformation which leaves the people around him spellbound. The boy comes out of the shell and takes effort to move out more with the conservative image......

cant go on further...some memories are painful...especially when they remind us that we failed to achieve some things for which we craved for a major part of our lives.....

will try to continue this story some other day.....:(

I am reproducing this below since i have got a lot of feedback and surprisingly encouraging words on my writing skills from my friends, they said that they like the way i related the whole subject matter.

life was not the same as it was three months ago. around 20+ companies had come and gone, all big consultants, IT & operations bigwigs ...and i wasnt shortlisted for even one....tried my hand at patni and GE capital who gave a chance for everybody to have a shot....but to no avail...got eliminated in the GD...so here i was...arriving on campus 3 days before the start of the 6th term....remaining closeted in room... practising hard for the GDs and the interview...weighing my options....consulting would remain a dream atleast as far as my first job post mba is concerned..Equity research firms wont come in before the finals...other fields like KPO .....was not sure if they require mba for these kinds of jobs....MBA is tough...but tougher is getting into a great company and the chosen field through campus placements....


Day: 12/12/2005
Time: Midnight 12:30
As i waited outside that famed admin block where the whole selection process is conducted and where the careers are made ...was wondering what would it be like if i called up everyone at around 4 am and broke the news that i have got into Mahindra British Telecom..but that was not to happen....in a short while i was huddled into a endless group discussion debating on the topic "has the IT Industry done enuf for the society"...i surely wanted to crack the GD and have a shot at this company...primarily there were two reasons...the company's leadership program for the MBAs from B-schools such as ours was very much renowned for continuously churning out good quality CEO material, also they were paying an awesome salary of 8.5 lakhs for a two year work ex guy like me....the GD went well..i was totally against the IT industry...myabe that was one mistake i did since the company was IT service provider to the telecom sector, i dont know...i gave all the great economics and usual mba fundas like business model, standard of living, quality of living, employment, supply side value creation etc...at the end of it i thought that i will be 3rd time lucky...but that was not to be....the results came in an hour later and as i anxiously went from one batchmate' s room to another to check but was told that they had not seen my name in the interview shortlist...so came back to my room at around 2:30 fully dejected and tensed up...maybe i thought i had to finetune my preparation....so after some resolutions to improve my performance tried hard to sleep...

13/12/2005
i woke up pretty early in the morning and was aware of the fact that i hadnt slept well due to the hangover of the previous night....it was really tough to keep applying to companies and not get shortlisted...and if shortlisted then get eliminated in the Group discussions just for the reason that the companies dont have time to conduct interviews for all the people so they need some kind of filtering mechanism...but this was life...a new kind of life....business formals...tie, blazers etc...all dressed up like perfect gentleman tryin to impress companies...everyday had been like this...never ending pre placement talks....and after that saneless(atleast for me..) question and answer session....and then goin after the placecom guys trying to push the CV..and then the much awaited shortlist...had been gettin used to this daily grind...and getting frustrated out of it....

as these thoughts ran at the back of my mind....i lazily started getting ready and had to skip my breakfast to make it to the ppt in time....but i was 10 minutes late and surprisingly didnt meet with a closed auditorium door which meant that i neednt have to shelve 500 bucks...but it was not a good omen at all....but i wasnt bothered since as expected i hadnt been shortlisted for their consulting function....the talk was refreshingly good much like the MBT one...the session got over and again i forgot to bring my CV to push for a shortlist....i thought i had less than a half chance but made up my mind to give it a try since the dreaded GDs were done away with and everyone would be interviewed....the placecom guys were obviously not pleased with me tryin to buy their time..i was given 10 minutes...so once the roll call was made...made a beeline for the computer centre...and finally caught up with the placecom guy and handed over the CV without even an iota of hope of landing inside IBM...then as my head started spinning i came back to my room to get out of these much hated business formals to get some air and try to have a nap....

had my agenda for the day very clearly...now comes the twist in the tale....i was rudely shaken out of my rare morning nap by my friend who announced much to my chagrin that the new IBM shortlist was out and i was the first one to be interviewed...as i came to terms with the new reality i realised that i had to race myself to admin block and that too again dressed with blazer and tie...as i shook out the laziness and hurried only to hear the lecture of the placecom ppl of my lack of punctuality and seriousness abt the whole process.....and they were right...i was getting bored and frustrated...and had started giving up to fate...20 minutes later inside the interview room facing a panel of three people....same questions...interests, hobbies, why economics, why bpo after shasun, why not entrepeneurship, my fit with ibm, questions on finance and accounts, and ofcourse economics, my long term plans, my work ex in bpo...through out the interview i was trying to be candid since i knew the ppl interviewing were very experienced and farting will act to my detriment....interview didnt go well as i got a bit tensed( i still dont know the reason..) and i cudnt answer satisfactorily some questions..particularly the economics question was a bouncer...after 25 minutes when i came out i had that same sinking feeling that i could have done a lot better...and that too when the company is IBM everything needs to be super perfect...plus when the acads grades werent that great....plus some bpo experience which doesnt fit with my career plans...so finally concluded that my chances were worser than just dim....

so here i was again in my room...cursing myself like anything and again forming some resolutions to crack the next chance that i get....i had given up on any chance of getting a offer and was bracing myself for the next big fight that was to happen in a few days....that is how life tends to be over here...being good isnt of any use...just need to be the best in everything or else get stampeded by this ruthless competition....my headache was getting worse and ofcourse stomach ache wasnt left behind...stress levels are always high....

and 5 hours later...went to the mess only to come back without having anything..reason: not the ibm hangover but somethin else that happened which made me jump with joy and feel top of the world...she had replied...dont ask me who she is...wanted some change in my life...so here i was walking back to my hostel only to be met by my junior who broke the news that i was wanted in the admin block immediately..i knew it right from that instant that it must be for salary negotiations which meant that i had got thru the interview...i huddled back to my room...called up some of my batchmates and asked as to what salary should i ask or should i tank this offer...everyone said that IBM is a great company to work for and brand name will be a great value add to my CV and even the role SAP-Finance looked to be pretty promising...so once decided that i am goin to accept the offer at watever salary they would offer....in the admin block was greeted with ppl all congratulating and hugging me alongwith 9 others who got through...and was met with the departing interview panel from the company...they shook hands and parted saying that location, roles etc would be later dealt by HR...

the next 3 hours was on phone...breaking this news to everybody...first home and unexpectedly everybody was asking if it is a chennai based job instead of asking how much the pay will be....and then my sisters..again the same questions..."IBM mein naukri mil gayee hai"...."IPM??? kya company hai ye.."...:)))))..4 hours later got bumps from my batchmates...and everybody asking "treat kab hai yaar"...and me trying to explain that this is just a backup job and i was serious abt making my career in consulting or equity research.....myabe ibm consulting would have done the trick but that was not to be...i didnt have the required workex so wasnt shortlisted for that role....

so atlast i have a job...or rather so, that is what i have been told by the placecom guys....:)))..at the end of the day, not happy, and ofcourse not at all elated just a bit relieved that i have some breathing space after so many months...

Moral: Sleep well the night before the interview...:)