Am depressed a bit...dont know why, just lookin at these batchmates of mine sort of puts me into a kind of inferiority complex. pata nahi..why am i like this, and those memories come back and haunt me like some nightmare. some punishment inflicted by me by the almighty. but i dont seem to understand that why was i born like this. it has been six days since i have been here and i am not mingling with my batchmates or even hostel mates. and juniors, the lesser said, the better. pata nahi why am i like this. life seemed to be a bit better over here, but i guess my cribbing has started and the same complex has got into my head again.

wish i cud write more...but some other day...now i am off...classses have started and the schedule has got pretty hectic.

in calicut....and am homesick...:((

the past three days have been quite eventful with me trying to pack all my calicut bound luggage and getting thru with all the formalities for the work left half done by me. then as usual fell very depressed and sad on saturday for having to leave after having enjoyed every minute of my 3 month stay in chennai. slept like a log, ate really well (notwithstanding the fact that i lost 8 kgs in these 3 months in chennai!!!!!), met all the people, made new friends and freaked out almost on a daily basis and ofcourse my favourite spot...marina beach used to visit it everyday.

and now i am feeling like i will go on crying for days and days together yearning for that cuddle of my mummy and those happy days at my home. had indulged myself a bit too much, that is one reason i am feeling the pinch of it. the day had been unusually long with every moment of it occupied by the memories of my mother and they refuse to die down no matter what. am trying to keep my mind engaged with something or the other so that i dont get back those memories but still they come back torture me and make my heart weep. this i guess will remain so atleast for the next few days before something more important takes the frontseat.

have changed my hostel this year and that is one more reason for me feeling lonely right since the time i landed here. everything seems so new and strange to me that it will take time for me get adjusted to this new scheme of things. the registration is scheduled for tomm but i heard that the classes begin on wednesday so have some time to recoup myself and prepare myself for a braced fight this time.

have been thinking about how much pains my mother has taken in trying to see that everything goes on fine for me. and in the recent past, i have seen that my mother has been really worried about my state of health and other things and how she has tried her best to see that i am always free from any ailments or any worries as such. what a perfect mom she is. and i havent done anything to repay all this. shame on me. maybe it is time for me change for the better before it is too late. i can do a lot of things to give her comfort, behaviour wise i am her perfect son since i get along with all the relatives really fine, but other things i am not upto her mark, i am too coward and she is too bold...sounds odd but she is brave, she is bold, she is dominating type. wish i were like her but i am not. and this is one area she doesnt like in me and my health, she feels that i cannot take care of myself and she is right, but i am improving i am a lot better than what i was some years ago, here at iimk one of the things that i learnt was to look after myself without any support from any side.

have some responsibilites towards my family too. wish i realised them soon enough and got my act together and tried to improve the state of things at my father's end. feeling sleepy, will continue this some other day.

a week worth forgetting...

last week flew by with me going from one doctor to another taking all kinds of frightening scans and getting pretty badly tensed up. what a week it was, i cried, cried and cried and it seemed that this eternity of sadness couldnt be endured for long. then came some news to cheer for. doc said that the complication is minor and it can be cured by medicines. thank god. and thanks are due to all my gurus and other ppl who healed me and who were with me through this whole trauma. and it was over soon enough. some phobias also need to be faulted for my apprehensions getting exaggerated. that is it. dont want to write more abt this.

and some more latest news. my business plan has flopped pretty badly. the reasons being some major legal hassles plus lack of funds. but the thing is i am planning to go for it even with my original plan but the thing is i need time to learn all those things and that is why am sitting back without doing anything abt it. and the worst thing is marketing. i need lotsa money and i dont even know if the original idea which is nothing new is worth to be invested upon. it is all damn luck, let's see if i have that in plenty. nevertheless the experience was gud enuf, learnt a lot of things through the starting up of this business.

have been regularly visiting the ashram and teaching the kids out there. the experience is heart rendering and it is really pleasing to get to know of so many children and that too on a platform like this. i have grown fond of the children out there and will miss them a lot when i leave for calicut. my day of departure is getting nearer and nearer, it sort of reminds me the so many goals and targets that i had set when i had set foot on chennai and my inablitiy to achieve not even a single one. reflects badly on my attitude, need to do something about this. maybe i should start setting time tables and adhere strictly to them, that might help..let's see. will miss my family too, especially my mom and my niece, had a great time with them. i have thinned out pretty badly in the last 10 days and i look like a somalian skeleton, maybe that is one reason i am looking forward to getting inside my campus and putting on some weight plus enjoying the rainy season and escaping the scorching sun of chennai.

nothing more...guess have written everything. have become very lazy out here in chennai and need to change myself for the better. need to take life more seriously and spend the time more judiciously. my procrastination levels are touching a new high every day and i am clocking 12 hours of sleep these days..:-D. havent practised reiki in the past five days and i am angry at myself about it. i wanna change...i hate being myself.

action packed days....

cudnt get time to post a entry. the past two days have been pretty hectic with me trying to set up this business and be done with all the technicalities. still there is a grain of doubt as to the financial feasibility. i have spent all of my money and it seems that it will barely cover my startup expenses. dont know, somehow think money will come from somewhere. even if i am able to manage some customers in the initial weeks i can sit back and relax, rest assured about the money part of it.

went to the sarvodaya ashram today amidst this busy schedule. took english classes for some 10 students who are studyin in tenth. the experience was really worth remembering and time inside the ashram flew like every hour seemed like a minute. got their feedback and they were all satisfied with my teaching skills. atlast have done something for this society as such, had been longing to do it in the recent past. language was quite a huge problem, the students study in tamil medium and i dont have much experience reading tamil textbooks. rest was all fine. the students said that they were looking forward to my next visit. same here, wish it happens soon enough.

nothing more. the day was contentfully good and stressful. and the same old sinking feeling at the end of the day, that something is wrong somewhere. i dunno where, some worries r back, like my procrastination and my inability to grasp the fundamentals of the companies is goin to cost me dear. and my efforts to learn the technical analysis have been very marginal. but one thing is sure, i have improved upon whatever i was a month ago. atleast i am doing something, i started off with the analysis of the banking sector and was so confused with market prices, each of these banks rule in the market that i had to abandon it unfinished.

Will i do it.....?????

my experience with this business startup hasnt been so good. and that has cultivated doubts of whether i can become a good industrialist in the distant future. pata nahi, i dont know where i am headed. 3 months ago things seemed to be crystal clear. 10 years in the corporates, then start up my own business and then grow it to a size of a monolith. but now it seems that my career in the corporates is going to be one big illusion, but there is a caveat. if only the business clicks as per my expectations. i hope it does and if it does i may find myself in a quandary. to concentrate on my mba?? or to concentrate on the business???. managing both would be a complicated affair. there have been so many twists and turns to my chennai tale that i sometimes find myself in doubt if i will complete my mba successfully.

else, nothing much to write. the day was boring and unproductive. i cudnt do much today woke up late then slept off again in the afternoon then woke up again at 4. then did some serious enquiries abt software vendors. digged out my old contacts and tried to get in touch with them but in vain. almost all of them have moved out to some other city. so i guess no use contacting them. and havent been in touch with my friends in the past few days. also have been trying to build some new relationships so that my life is filled with more people and less of emptiness. have been trying earnestly, let's see if it bears fruit.

and surprisingly my mind was devoid of any worries or any thoughts to disturb me today. have been feeling contented and peaceful but somehow sometimes have this feeling that i am just buying time and procrastinating a bit too much. have to be more proactive and shud show more enthu...maybe that will give me better results. have one week more to finetune the nitty gritty of my business and to make it up and running. havent fixed any targets as such but have left it open in the sense to take as it comes. coz there is so much uncertainty around that what initially was the business idea upon which the whole business was started has been given a quite burial in favour of a novel and a different idea which involves more of technical(IT) application rather than the intellectual capital. nonetheless my managerial skills and business acumen will be put to acid test.

how fast time seems to pass...17 more days...and i have grand plans on how to make them the best of my life . slept on and off since the morning till about 4 pm. got up and started doing some serious work. researched on the banking sector companies, had no motive except to know how to anlyse their financials. read some good articles on banking sector. that is it and the day seems to end as soon as it started. and this damn pc is getting slower as each day passes. have got tired of it, am thinking of switching over to a laptop very soon. and that girl, her memories have faded out and no longer interfere with my normal life. and reg my business, have got some new ideas want to start off with it before i leave for calicut so that i dont have to come running back to chennai to settle down things.

have been spendin too much of a time playing pranks with my niece. have grown fond of her and will miss her very much when i leave for calicut. am apprehensive that i will again become homesick like the way it happened last year. migraine doesnt seem to relieve me even for a moment and that is one area of worry which can give me sleepless nights once i am in calicut.

have been missing lot of my batchmates and the campus as a whole and the fried maggi in particular, so am eager to get back to my new hostel. and i do hope that i strike up some good relationships with the juniors and improve my closeness with my batchmates. want to change for better, but seriously dont know how...maybe as time passes i wud.

that is it...tomm i may spend sometime posting a big entry.

Zindagi ek safar hain suhaana....

no time for blogging....since the past three days i have been thinking of posting a entry, but cudnt do it. had lots of thoughts to pin down but missed the opportunity and now they are all out of my mind. have been doing nothing much in the past 3 days now that i am a free bird having done with my project and nothing else to keep me occupied. went to a movie on saturday and then to kancheepuram with my friend on sunday. yesterday did some career counselling stuff to youngsters in my area, loved the experience and it sometimes made me feel that i cud make a good career counsellor. maybe my healing touch for others, my concern for others' careers and my helpful nature fit into this kind of a profession but i guess i have other bigger plans which cud utilize my abilities to the greater extent.

and have been socializing a bit too much these days, my favourite pastime. i guess i need to have some limits on these things. i have been stressing too much on it blindly believing that it wud improve my ppl skills. but i dont how far it holds water....have never given a serious thought abt these things. 18 more days in chennai and have been thinking of doing something productive so that i cud sell myself in a better way to the corporates when the placements happen. pata nahi kya karoon...:-(

my friends have been saying that i am very taciturn in a group..i dunno why i behave so strangely when i am with a group of friends..maybe i havent been accustomed to these things in my childhood days. have been thinking a lot of why i shouldnt go in for a marketing mba. two things are against this.... one my selling skills are damn poor and another my understandin of marketin after whatever i was supposed to learn in my first year is close to insignificant. but my conviction is that either u need to be a born marketer or either u should have a practical exposure to excel in this field. just wading thru books or attendin classes or for that matter doing projects, assignments or learning marketing theories wont do the trick. pata nahi let's see if i do get a opportunity i will be most willing to grab it. only time can tell how things fit into my scheme of things.

reg my business, have been working on it, am worried abt the marketing aspect of it. but now that i have sunk some 15k on it with my friend i have nowhere to go, rather have to work hard to make it work since the circumstances dictate me to do something to improve things at home. have got some new ideas and have thought of changin the product or the service offering but it is all upto how gud we r able to get someone to design a software which is dependable and hasslefree...nevertheless we have been proceeding with caution coz we dont want to burn our fingers so soon...pata nahi...praying god that it works and it is a trend setter....that is it for now...will try to make a entry again tomm.