midterms over and same things seem to repeat each and every term. i dont know why its happening, i have again goofed up a pretty easy paper. am not happy with myself especially when its a sitter for people around me. it has been raining off and on and the climate has been extraordinarily pleasant in the past few days, that reminds me that my parting days are near. 6 months to go and 2 and a half terms, the question that seems to linger in my mind is that am i prepared for that big fight for the placements??. i know i am not but when i walked into this campus after my summers i made some promises and resolutions which were necessary given the urgency of the situation. but again i have failed to live up to my expectation. almost 40 days are over and i havent yet started working on them. god, will i ever change. what do i do... how can i change myself. if i am like this forever then what is going to be my fate like, and whom do i blame for it...my parents, my school or myself. the answer is harsh i know...what do i do if i am brought it in such a way that i am imbibed with quite a few character traits that distinguishes a winner from a ordinary person. i also take in account the fact that our community is predominantly into business and education has never been given so much importance. but i feel that it is the duty of the elders to see to it their children are brought up in such a way that they are able to face this competitive world bravely. who knew 20 years back that the world would have changed so much that you had to be super perfect in every thing that u do.

talking about the principles and values reminds me about the saddening incidents i have been witnessing in the recent past. it is not that things were in order in my first year days, rather my patience is running out as i am subject to take notice. i have been a mute spectator to a some downright biased way in which the ****** is functioning. it seems that they should join some political party rather than do mba. are human beings inherently selfish?..even when they are put in a position where they are asked to take care of the larger good. is it not the body which should promote justice and fairplay and be a role model for the whole *****.

the doubts linger on....dont want to write more about this.these days i have been constantly reminded of the lofty(shud i use this word??) goals which i had set when i was in my college days. so much has changed since then, and i am not the same person as before. after experiencing this outside world my perspective about people and life has changed. but why am i losing out on the things that i have been building up right since my 12th standard days. what has been happening to me?...why am i feeling that my IQ is falling and why am i not able comprehend new concepts in the same speed as i used to do it before. is it all because of this disease in my ***** or is it just a figment of my imagination. maybe the competition is getting over my head and once i walk out of this college i will get my confidence back. but why has my people skills taken a beating over here, i dont want to get into this topic since i have written enough about this in the last post.

so why am i in this world??...and what am i doing here??...am i here to what i have been often saying "to make this world a better place to live in". but if i am a mute spectator to all the wrong doings and injustices that have been happening around me, then how can i defend myself.

can i just watch this go on and feel helpless about it or can i really do something about it. am i a coward?? i guess i am...i cant deny this harsh truth. and should i fault my improper upbringing..i guess not atleast in this respect. maybe the schooling. maybe it could have made me more bold, vocal and vociferous. but that is past. i cant cry over spilled beans. should look into the future and see that i dont repeat the mistakes to escape from all the pain and am able to fare better in this innings of mine.

i guess i am digressing from the main subject..i.e. why am i here in this world?? if i am here to make things better then why aint i doing anything.......the doubts linger on......

Things getting better....

life seems to be getting better in the past fortnight or so. and i am ignorant or rather i would say that havent been able to unearth the reason behind this change in the outlook. a month has passed since my second year started and for the first time in my life i am feeling that there is some value add happening to me in this mba innings. things seem to be so fast paced that i am not able to allocate time to my passions or my interests. coming down to grades my third term results are again disappointing inspite of the feeling in me that i fared better in the third term than the other two terms. but still the same 90 plus rank saddens me and again leads me to think of what is wrong with me.

Is something seriously wrong with me?...if not then why am i not able to break atleast into the top 50. it is a matter of huge disappointment to me and ofcourse my family( my sister has come to know of it and she taunts me everytime she finds me with my father. talking about my father he is passing through one of those lean phases when things are getting over his head. he seems to be having lots of tensions and this health worry adds to his pile of worries. and he is having huge hopes on me, and i would rather not disappoint him nor disappoint my family. it is also not the question of disappointment but rather a question of values and principles on which my life has been standing.

in these 12 months that i have been pursuing my mba i have felt that i am losing touch with my people and the intimacy that characterized each of these associations have lost their sheen. i guess i can blame no one including myself since circumstances had changed so much that i couldnt possibly have done anything to maintain the closeness. but on the other hand i had this chance to make so many friends out of the 133 fellow batch mates. and i faltered on this front, i would rather say i faltered pretty badly. i am not still sure if i can justify myself with all the arguments but i have noticed that some things stand out on their own, that even if i ask any one of my batchmates they will thumpingly bet that i have been woefully short on these counts. like being tongue tied when among a group of people, not able to strike conversations, uninteresting person, a person who has brains but no gyan to share, unfriendly person, not a good time pass type person etc etc. can i do something about these things. i dont know, but one thing i can say for sure is that i have been working hard on these things since the past one year and i should rather admit that i havent yet found a solution to overcome it. there is some fault within me. so whom do i look upto to help me out??. do i ask my mentors or do i ask my friends...i dont know...i am blank on this count. but the good thing is there is hope inside me which refuses to die, that same hope tells me to persevere and not lose heart since it knows that i will be the kind of human being i am aspiring to be....very soon. and i am waiting for that day. even if i am not lucky to see this day while i complete my mba, i would want it to be with me when i am on the job.

it remains one of those dreams that i get a job in which i manage people and am given the freedom to explore things unhindered. i am very much focussed that i want to get into the finance function but i am still clueless as the kind of job that i am looking forward to, maybe things will crystallize as my knowledge in finance deepens through these 9 months.another of those things that has been worrying me is the fact that i am lacking in the emotional support that my mentors used to give it so willingly. as i have stated in the previous paragraphs, i have failed miserably in making friends at IIMK. it would really have been a fascination and a great learning experience to get to know these batch mates of mine. and i still repent or rather feel hopeless about myself that i am handicapped. i am crying, i dont why but whenever i think about this failed opportunity my heart cries out, since i am one person who feels to live the life to the fullest is to have loads of people around you to share the joys and minimize the sorrows.god if u r listening...i wanna change god, why am i like this??...time is running away. i know that once i pass out of this college i wont ever again get a opportunity to make relationships with some of the greatest human beings i have ever seen. i still have hope....and it will never die....have been spending a lot of time on trying to learn various finance fundas. i know i am lagging very much behind the other fin gurus inside the campus, but i guess with concerted effort i will pick up soon and will be one among the envied lot. finance needs lot of hard work plus lots of brains too. god i need to change...change for the better, very soon. i cant remain like this and ruin my life and repent when things cudnt be undone.my headache has lessened by leaps and bounds and this has led to my unbundling all the health tensions and trying to sneak away from all those what i would call ghastly scenarios. i have been trying to find some doctor who can cure me of these phobias, but whenever i approach someone they seem to laugh at what i should say a heightened exaggeration of what they feel are silly nitpicks.

am trying to understand myself right since the time i have been preparing for my mba entrances. i have succeeded a way bit, but i am still far far away...it is a difficult proposition but i know life will be too difficult if i leave this job incomplete. i am a mystery to myself, i dont know why i am like this. i dream to achieve so many things in life and become a person of so and so stature in the near future but this untread path seems to be one kind of an obstacle. rather than the path i would say that i lack the enthusiasm to turn my thoughts into action. something is missing somewhere. there is some vacuum that i need to fill up. maybe i need to become more lively and enthusiastic. or maybe i need to change this laidback attitude of mine and become more proactive so that i become what i want to in my life, and it is filled with less of frustrations and more of contentment & happiness.

i lack something in me..that i am sure...i am not able to pin it down..that is why i am blogging, maybe this will bring it into open. those memories or what i would rather call nightmares are again back to unsettle me. i guess i can handle them now except for that mri scan which i dont want it to repeat again in my life. i have been feeling a bit lonely and lost these days, i have some clue as to why it is happening. lonely because i left mdy group and rather chose to stay in a different hostel this time to concentrate on my mba, or maybe because, one year has passed and i am still not gelled well with the group. and am a bit lost that at this crucial stage in my life as i dont have a person whom i can share my intimacies and on whom i can lean on for moral support. reiki has come to occupy the centre stage primarily due to these reasons or maybe due to the hopeless situation i am in. i wont call it a hopeless situation rather i would say that i am in such a demanding position that i have to roll up my sleeves and work on my deliverables.

again i am getting the same question into my mind. why am i like this?...why cant i be like others at the same time. why am i so naive...why am i so reticent...why are my interpersonal skills so poor...why cant i be a better communicator..why cant i be proactive like the people around me....why cant i do a better time management....why am i so choosy in making friends...why am i so moody....why do i feel that i have no knowledge to share with others when i know so much abt so many things in this world....why do i think less and sometimes dont think at all....why do i take things at face value and my mind never gets provoked....lots more questions but not in this entry...i will allow myself to think and ponder over things. that is the issue i guess, i think lesser and lesser these days, i take things as they are at face value and never think beyond them. maybe that is why my class participation is so poor. and maybe that is one reason that i am considered a introvert by people around me. but the reality lies in the fact that i want to change for the better. that is good in one way if it is followed up with concrete action. nonetheless i am enjoying life that is the truth, inspite of all those nightmares, all these hellish scenarios of my health, i am living life in the best way possible.

there were days when i was so high in confidence that i could do almost anything, those were the times when i used to dream of getting into IIM one day and prepare for it full throat. in a way the enthu i showed really surprised many and the pains i took to succeed in CAT during my initial attempts was really a commendable show. will i ever be the old vikram in the sense that will i ever get these character traits back???

this is my fourth attempt in the past fortnight to make a entry into this blog. hope this turns out to be fruitful. life is going on as usual. my health problems have decreased a bit...sometime last week all of a sudden the headache got slightly worse and i sort of got panicky and then i searched the net for that ***** disease and i came up with some startling findings... like the thing was only curable thru surgery and it had some disturbing symptoms etc etc etc. and the for the next two days i felt like i wud commit suicide at any moment. but then i seemed to adjust myself to these new state of affairs very soon and have got used to these nightmarish scenarios. my guru definitely helped me out during those days when he made me believe in the power of reiki and healed & prayed for my wellness. else i wud like to forget this episode as one bad dream.

these days i spend most of the time trying to go through some material on finance. i madly want to learn finance by some way or the other and i feel that i am trailing in this race to get a decent job in the fin domain. my emphasis has been primarily to brush up my basics in corporate finance before trying to step on a higher plane like understanding the financial system of india and the functioning of the capital markets. i am not happy with the kind of forward movement that i have made, but it is normal for these frustrations to build up. this is always the case as my results always exceed the expectations heavily. i have taken 5 subjects on finance this semester out of the 7 i am allowed to take, so i am like pursuing finance as a major very seriously.

i dont know when i got this habit of postponing my rendezvous with this blog but this has been going on for the past one month. maybe i was not sure as to what i will write it over here. or maybe i wanted to become a master communicator(one of those dreams of mine) before getting down to penning my thoughts into words. but the thing is i am not happy with myself. with the way i have been handling things. what shall i say..i am betraying myself....on the one hand i want to be a master in finance both at micro and macro level...but i take no pains in trying to do something to improve my understanding of finance. i am laggin behind others, that is obvious from the ground realities. i want to understand myself and i thought that maybe this blog will help in achieving this objective. will continue this blog tomm...