the toughest decision of my life as regards my career...

i have decided not to foray into equity research...after days and days of soul searching i feel that equity research is not something that i would like to do long term in the sense i dont want to make a career in the equity markets much as people might say that i can make bundles of money in 5 years from now. nor do i want to get into IT i.e. sap offer that i have got primarily coz i dont think IT is where i should start my career. and ofcourse am comfortable and good in finance so the best thing to do would be start off in a company dealing with financial products or services. so banking is one sector that fits the bill. also long term i see myself becoming an entrepreneur, so again equity research doesnt in a least bit allow me to develop my people skills and process management skills.

so far so good...lets see if there is a new perspective to this whole issue and if there is..then again this time i am sure i will go insane....:)

still a 2 year stint in equity research would have done a world of good provided i got inside a good company and a great sector to track. these are just my beliefs, who knows the reality might be harsher and boring...:))

times are tough....am confused as hell.....am really clueless as where i am headed..hope that these times pass on very soon and am back to my old self.

the occasion was alumni day and i got a chance to interact with my seniors who are now in the industry i am aspiring to get into. same random thoughts seem to cross my mind each day, same nagging doubts keep surfacing back. added to all this the responsibility that i have decided to shoulder once i am back to chennai in a month or more. turning around a business with a very weak business model is going to be one hell of a task, but this is one platform on which i can strive to prove my credentials as a good business thinker. and a good opportunity to come out of this stereotype image by my community of me being good only in academics. i still hope that my brother will recover in time so that i have the chance to relax my way in the two months following my mba completion, but god only knows what is in store for me.

life has more than just been a roller coaster ride for me in the past 9 months. lots and lots of events seem to have taken place having a major impact on my family and me. i never ever dreamt that my family such extreme distress to the extent that i would cry for them all and lose my midnight sleep. but i havent lost hope. i have faith in god and in myself. i will bail them out and set the house back to order as far as possible.

i got this quote from some site which aptly describes a ordeal i went through...

"A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go. "

wish to add something to the above...
"but i decide to hold on, hoping against hope that the person will some day understand how much i value h** presence in my life, hoping that day is not too late for h** to come back to my life"

but life does go on...and i am bit wiser out of it atleast in terms of understanding relationships.

i am a bit confused these days. and i didnt expect this to happen. i have a ibm job in hand and my career goals are pretty clear but still there is something missing somewhere. maybe i am getting too apprehensive abt things. maybe i am making sure that i dont repeat the mistakes of the past. have been talking to all kind of people on anything and everything about equity research. coz i like this field and i feel that i have a passion for doing this kind of work. only time will tell as to what extent i am right.

lots of tensions. family tensions. brother was discharged with the hospital today, and i was told that the hospital didnt charge for the second surgery that he underwent since it was due to the oversight of the surgeon. reminds me of the bungle that they did of the simple appendicitis surgery with me.

mba is goin on at a frenetic pace. classes, presentations, assignments, projects...these occupy 80% of my time these days. the rest 20% being wasted thinking, thinking and thinking endlessly. sometimes thinking abt wat my married life lies in store for me. sometimes thinking abt the health worries and how they have the potential to complicate my performance on the job. then worries abt shifting to mumbai, living all alone without family, relatives.

chalta hain life..

You are sad, and so am I. I choose to smile, u to cry.....

"tears, i knw nt wt they mean but sumwhre d dpths of d hrt, they arise n move up 2 d edge of d eyes n flow dwn like a silent river in search of d sea. tears wt they mean i knw nt, bt they flow 2 remind me of d past d memory of d days that r no more!!"

so said the status msg of one of my dearest friends....tears caused by whom??...this time it is me who is the culprit. i have hurt her tremendously that she has emotionally broken down and is in a state of depression and trauma for the past one week or so. but i frankly dont know in wat way i hurt her..maybe i was too frank and candid abt her which she didnt like...maybe i was talking too much abt that first crush who has again surfaced into my life....maybe i took her for granted.... maybe i made her feel that she was an unimportant part in my life which isnt true to the least extent...maybe wen i lost my temper over the phone last week i said a mouthful which she, why only she no girl would like to hear....but what can i do in this kind of a situation living 1500 kms away from her. absolutely nothing...i ping her 100 times on yahoo and call her up daily but she never seems interested in talking to me....

she wants to forget me completely...and with me all those cherished memories of hours spent together on the phone, on yahoo and on google...

is this wat i shud call friendship...cant i be pardoned and given one more chance...why is she punishing me like this....i accept that i didnt understand her completely...i accept that i ignored the fact that she was a very sentimental person...one chance dear friend....pls...one chance...

you have left a void which can be filled in by no other person in this world...u r a special person and will always remain to be so....pls come back into my life...am missing you dearly.....